Wednesday, 4 December 2013

The Big Breakfast Bru-Ha-Ha.

Man cannot live on toast and chocolate coco pops alone, so said Aristotle in one of his more lucid moments before the battle of Waterloo, and I would agree. On occasion, the full English breakfast is required to keep a working man on his toes throughout the day, preventing lapses in concentration before the 10:30 tea and muffin break.

With this in mind, I stopped off at a likely looking place for a plateful of coronary inducing trans fats in the form of some bacon, egg, sausage, beans, mushrooms, fried bread and hash browns. And since they had a sign outside declaring 'Breakfast served here,' I thought I was on to a winner.

It turns out that by arriving five minutes after breakfast had stopped being served I was in fact, onto a loser.

"I'm only five minutes late, no chance of a cheeky breakfast..?" I pleaded.

"Sorry love," Said the comely serving lady behind the counter, "We stopped serving breakfast, were now onto the lunch menu if you would care to have a look."

I picked up the faux leather bound menu and perused its contents. It turned out I could have egg on toast, beans on toast and mushrooms on toast. I could also have a bacon sandwich, sausage sandwich, bacon and egg sandwich or a bread roll containing all three.

"Can I have the egg, beans and mushrooms without the toast.." I asked.

"No, I'm afraid not. They all come with toast."

"Can I have the bacon, egg and sausage without the bread roll and combine it with beans, egg and mushrooms on one serving of toast..?"

"Sorry Sir... But that would be a breakfast. And we've stopped serving breakfast."

It appeared that the only way to get breakfast in this place was to order 4 or 5 separate lunch items, which would result in all the breakfast I wanted but with 8 pieces of toast and a leftover bread roll and five cups of tea, all for the princely sum of £16.95p instead of £4.75p for the original breakfast but without all the toast, tea and bread rolls.

I know. It's confusing. They could cook all of the breakfast items separately, and call it something else on the lunch menu, but wouldn't cook it and serve it together on one plate, because that would be called a breakfast... And they've stopped serving breakfast five minutes ago.

"Can I help you mate..?" Said an unshaven man through a serving hatch in the wall.

I explained my confusion as to the current breakfast / lunch menu, and the fact that all the ingredients for a full English breakfast were still on the menu, but now seem to be sold as lunch items separately and can no longer be combined.

"Yeah, sorry..." He said. "We stopped serving breakfast like, five minutes ago..? We don't do all day breakfasts."

I took a deep breath. A very deep breath. It would seem that they just didn't get it. I gritted my teeth. They did..! They did do all day breakfasts, except sold the very same items separately and called them lunch..!

"I can do you a bacon and egg sandwich..." He said unhelpfully.

"Can I get that with beans, sausage, mushrooms, a hash brown with a cup of tea..?" I asked.

He frowned, then lifted one eyebrow as if a great idea had just popped into his mind. "I don't see why not.." He said. "We could call it brunch."

"I would put that on the menu." I said.

"I might just do that..." He replied. "That's, erm... Let me see here... £4.75p please."

I despair of some people. I really do.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.