Just a thought...
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
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| Politicians... Tell us again your plans to fix the economy. |
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Thursday, 21 March 2013
You're where..?
I just made a phone call to a colleague. It went something like this...
Me: Hi... Just thought I'd give you a call to give you the heads up on something you may be interested in..
Him: Oh, OK, is it happening in the next week or so..?
Me: Yes, in the next few days. Why..?
Him: Well, it's just that I'm on a beach in Trinidad at the moment... And I....
Me: Click...
Bastard. The utter bastard. Here I am sitting on the M4 in misery and rain thinking I am doing someone a favour, and all the while he's been on a beach in Trinidad and Tobago chugging Pena Coladas like they are going out of fashion.
Again, I reiterate... The utter bastard.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Me: Hi... Just thought I'd give you a call to give you the heads up on something you may be interested in..
Him: Oh, OK, is it happening in the next week or so..?
Me: Yes, in the next few days. Why..?
Him: Well, it's just that I'm on a beach in Trinidad at the moment... And I....
Me: Click...
Bastard. The utter bastard. Here I am sitting on the M4 in misery and rain thinking I am doing someone a favour, and all the while he's been on a beach in Trinidad and Tobago chugging Pena Coladas like they are going out of fashion.
Again, I reiterate... The utter bastard.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Monday, 4 March 2013
The Coffee Shop Creche.
I would just like to reiterate the fact that i am a tolerant, likeable and approachable sort of chap. Having said that, there are times when all i want to do is give someone a good, hard slap.
Take this morning for instance. I entered a coffee shop with intent to have a medium latte, a toasted panini and 20 to 30 minutes rest. Maybe even read my Kindle and take in an article or two for purposes of worldly education.
I ensconced myself on a particularly comfortable single seat at a small table, not wishing to take up the freely available 3 seater sofa that looked far more amenable for my weary body to sink into. See..? I'm not the sort to take up 3 spaces whilst reading a broadsheet newspaper for 2 hours whilst making my coffee last all day, with a smug look on my face that says.. 'I was here first, i got the sofa all to myself, so fuck you..'
Anyway, having just sat down, my quiet reading was rudely interrupted by 3 mums in their early thirties, trailing baby buggies, shopping and an air of superiority. The two kids that accompanied them were obviously free range. They shouted a lot. they squealed and spilled juice on the floor.
I imagine they were called Benjamin and Rupert. I wouldn't know because during their play time in the coffee shop not once did their mothers even attempt to calm them down, ask them to stop squealing and shouting and generally being little shits. They talked to each other about soft furnishings and how their holidays were going to pan out this year in Tuscany or some such crap.
Then... The as yet unseen baby woke up. It was obviously also in training for the highest pitched kiddie squeal competition. Mummy ignored it. My blood pressure was rising. Just as i was about to rise, Jackie Chan stylee, delivering a kick to the head, she picked up the small ball of screeching flesh. She smelled it's bottom...
'Ohh... has little baby poo-poohed..?' Oh for fuck's sake.
Free range Benjamin or Rupert bumped past my table making my coffee wobble. I gave the child a good hard stare with a look that says that i'm about to rip your legs off... only it was wearing trendy dungarees which would have made it technically difficult. I looked at Mummy, with her trendy scarf. My mind wondered just how long it would take to choke a fully grown adult woman with a trendy scarf. She didn't admonish the child probably fearing that doing so may inhibit his creative inner self, scarring for life the adorable little darling.
I wondered whether i could get away with a sly little kick to it's shins. Would trendy mummy notice if i drop kicked little Benjamin through the window? I discounted the idea for i am as i said, a tolerant, likeable and approachable sort of chap. My article went unread. I didn't want my coffee and the relaxing half hour break was in tatters.
What irked me is that i had paid good money, not just for the coffee and toasted panini, but for the ambience, the atmosphere of cafe culture.
I did not pay to sit in a creche of screaming, free range, shit smelling, snot nosed mini Ruperts. I like children, really i do. I used to be one. I however was taught the importance of behaviour in a social setting.
One day, i'm gonna really hurt someone.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Take this morning for instance. I entered a coffee shop with intent to have a medium latte, a toasted panini and 20 to 30 minutes rest. Maybe even read my Kindle and take in an article or two for purposes of worldly education.
I ensconced myself on a particularly comfortable single seat at a small table, not wishing to take up the freely available 3 seater sofa that looked far more amenable for my weary body to sink into. See..? I'm not the sort to take up 3 spaces whilst reading a broadsheet newspaper for 2 hours whilst making my coffee last all day, with a smug look on my face that says.. 'I was here first, i got the sofa all to myself, so fuck you..'
Anyway, having just sat down, my quiet reading was rudely interrupted by 3 mums in their early thirties, trailing baby buggies, shopping and an air of superiority. The two kids that accompanied them were obviously free range. They shouted a lot. they squealed and spilled juice on the floor.
I imagine they were called Benjamin and Rupert. I wouldn't know because during their play time in the coffee shop not once did their mothers even attempt to calm them down, ask them to stop squealing and shouting and generally being little shits. They talked to each other about soft furnishings and how their holidays were going to pan out this year in Tuscany or some such crap.
Then... The as yet unseen baby woke up. It was obviously also in training for the highest pitched kiddie squeal competition. Mummy ignored it. My blood pressure was rising. Just as i was about to rise, Jackie Chan stylee, delivering a kick to the head, she picked up the small ball of screeching flesh. She smelled it's bottom...
'Ohh... has little baby poo-poohed..?' Oh for fuck's sake.
Free range Benjamin or Rupert bumped past my table making my coffee wobble. I gave the child a good hard stare with a look that says that i'm about to rip your legs off... only it was wearing trendy dungarees which would have made it technically difficult. I looked at Mummy, with her trendy scarf. My mind wondered just how long it would take to choke a fully grown adult woman with a trendy scarf. She didn't admonish the child probably fearing that doing so may inhibit his creative inner self, scarring for life the adorable little darling.
I wondered whether i could get away with a sly little kick to it's shins. Would trendy mummy notice if i drop kicked little Benjamin through the window? I discounted the idea for i am as i said, a tolerant, likeable and approachable sort of chap. My article went unread. I didn't want my coffee and the relaxing half hour break was in tatters.
What irked me is that i had paid good money, not just for the coffee and toasted panini, but for the ambience, the atmosphere of cafe culture.
I did not pay to sit in a creche of screaming, free range, shit smelling, snot nosed mini Ruperts. I like children, really i do. I used to be one. I however was taught the importance of behaviour in a social setting.
One day, i'm gonna really hurt someone.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Friday, 26 October 2012
Waterstones... Do you want my money or what..?
Shopping for stuff on the high street is bad enough for any self respecting bloke with a love of wasting time on other small matters, like having a life, watching telly and drinking fine ales. So it is bloody annoying when a well known high street retailer says that they will be having a big launch of a new product that i wanted to have a look at, and then fail to deliver.
Now i don't want to mention any names here Waterstones, but when you say that on a certain date you will have said gadgets on show, the very least you should do is, well, have them on show. Especially when you have been saying that you will have them on show for bloody months using big posters and suchlike, and i have travelled to a big shop, far away, especially to look at them with a view to buying one.
I didn't buy one from your store because i couldn't satisfy myself that it was what i wanted. So i looked at another model that was on show. I played with it, i felt it's gadgetyness, clicked the buttons and admired it's design. I wanted one. Now.
Imagine my surprise then when i queued to spend my hard earned cash to buy said gadget, to be told that there were not any in stock. So, let me get this straight Waterstones, the gadget i came to see that you had promised would be here, was not, and the gadget that i wanted, the one that was displayed.. for sale.. was not in stock.
Fine then... I shall spend my hard earned cash elsewhere. Fools.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Now i don't want to mention any names here Waterstones, but when you say that on a certain date you will have said gadgets on show, the very least you should do is, well, have them on show. Especially when you have been saying that you will have them on show for bloody months using big posters and suchlike, and i have travelled to a big shop, far away, especially to look at them with a view to buying one.
I didn't buy one from your store because i couldn't satisfy myself that it was what i wanted. So i looked at another model that was on show. I played with it, i felt it's gadgetyness, clicked the buttons and admired it's design. I wanted one. Now.
Imagine my surprise then when i queued to spend my hard earned cash to buy said gadget, to be told that there were not any in stock. So, let me get this straight Waterstones, the gadget i came to see that you had promised would be here, was not, and the gadget that i wanted, the one that was displayed.. for sale.. was not in stock.
Fine then... I shall spend my hard earned cash elsewhere. Fools.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Thursday, 11 October 2012
A Small Matter Of Manners.
Being a comedy fan, i read, listen and watch a fair amount of offerings from different comedians, writers and artists from all over the comedy world. Sometimes, i even write articles and interact online with some of my favourite comedians and websites.
On the Chortle website, they invite articles for publication from all writers, professional or otherwise, to contribute to their 'correspondents' page about all things comedy. So i did. That was a while ago, and since then i have heard nothing from them. Not even an email back to say thanks, but no thanks, you are a shit writer. So i say to any publisher out there, if you invite writers and contributors to your website, the very least you can do is respond with a note, one way or another. I would have linked to the Chortle website, but seeing as they can't be arsed, neither can i.
This is the article i wrote:
TITLE: Finding the podcast edge.
Being a tech head, i find most of my comedy fixes on the internet. That's not to say that i don't watch the TV or listen to the radio, but as a comedy fan who travels a lot, spending most of my time at the wheel watching life speed past at 70 mph, i listen to podcasts, finding my funnies where i can.
Mostly, these are found on Radio 4. Friday night comedy, Comedy of the week, The news quiz et al. However, i usually find myself working or unable to listen at the correct times, so the podcast of these programmes are especially useful. As funny as they are, i find myself listening to the same people, trotting out the same satirical jokes, but to a different political storyline that happens to be running that week. To be honest, it's getting a tad dull.
Newsjack, the all too short running series, woke me up a little to new writing talent. One line specialists, thirty second sketches and the like written by new talent with a new (ish) take on current affairs, but even that freshness can sometimes fall into the mundane satire of throwing bottles from the back of the room toward whatever political entity happens to make the news that week.
Yesterday, for the first time in a long while, i was listening to the news quiz from Radio 4. i had stacked up two or three episodes onto my player for a long journey i was making. Being a particularly dull journey, i wanted the laughs to keep me going. About a third of the way through the second episode, i switched it off. I wasn't laughing. The political point scoring by holier than thou comics and commentators just got too tedious to listen to. I had heard it all before, just in a different context.
TV could be said to be doing much the same. Mock the week being a particular culprit with the same comics, doing the same jokes, throwing the same bottles toward the same people. I find myself not laughing as much as i used to. The freshness has gone. The edgy, free thinking comics seem to have been replaced by the circuit comics who mostly try to outdo each other in the right on stakes.
So i find myself searching for something. The trouble was, i didn't know what i was searching for. iTunes provided me with radio shows dressed up as comedy shows. American podcasters are just a little too American for my tastes, although 'Sick and wrong' is a strong contender for a permanent place on my podcast list. Hint: It does what the title says. It does however, make me laugh.
In the last few weeks though, a comic has caught my eye. Not because he is new and fresh, but because he pushes out so much comic material that as a podcast listener, i was unable to avoid him.
You all (should) know Richard Herring. I caught one of his Warming Up podcasts a few days ago, and have since found myself downloading more and more of his comedy shows. The Edinburgh fringe podcasts, As it occurs to me, and the Leicester Square podcast are mostly a joy to listen to. His routines don't always hit the mark, but i have realised that in his search for better routines and comedy, he is taking bigger risks and different avenues in the hope of making me laugh. Mostly, he hits the mark.
Richard pops up on the TV and radio from time to time. Most people will associate him with Stuart Lee and assume that the Herring half of Lee and Herring has fallen by the wayside. Not a bit of it. It turns out that Richard has been working away furiously in the background producing some comedy gems in the form of podcasts and one man shows that are a delight to listen to.
This is one comedy podcast listener who is glad to have rediscovered him.
Is podcasting the future for comics? Probably not, as TV or radio is the pinnacle of making it in their line of business. But let it not be said that podcasts are a wasteland of unheard of comedy and comics. It could be that it is the very place for established comedians to try out something new. Try out a different avenue or satirical stance. To be fresh, to reinvigorate a routine and try it out online before taking it to the airwaves.
There is one podcast listener out here who is desperate to hear it.
Paul Martin tweets at @ukcameraman
On the Chortle website, they invite articles for publication from all writers, professional or otherwise, to contribute to their 'correspondents' page about all things comedy. So i did. That was a while ago, and since then i have heard nothing from them. Not even an email back to say thanks, but no thanks, you are a shit writer. So i say to any publisher out there, if you invite writers and contributors to your website, the very least you can do is respond with a note, one way or another. I would have linked to the Chortle website, but seeing as they can't be arsed, neither can i.
This is the article i wrote:
TITLE: Finding the podcast edge.
Being a tech head, i find most of my comedy fixes on the internet. That's not to say that i don't watch the TV or listen to the radio, but as a comedy fan who travels a lot, spending most of my time at the wheel watching life speed past at 70 mph, i listen to podcasts, finding my funnies where i can.
Mostly, these are found on Radio 4. Friday night comedy, Comedy of the week, The news quiz et al. However, i usually find myself working or unable to listen at the correct times, so the podcast of these programmes are especially useful. As funny as they are, i find myself listening to the same people, trotting out the same satirical jokes, but to a different political storyline that happens to be running that week. To be honest, it's getting a tad dull.
Newsjack, the all too short running series, woke me up a little to new writing talent. One line specialists, thirty second sketches and the like written by new talent with a new (ish) take on current affairs, but even that freshness can sometimes fall into the mundane satire of throwing bottles from the back of the room toward whatever political entity happens to make the news that week.
Yesterday, for the first time in a long while, i was listening to the news quiz from Radio 4. i had stacked up two or three episodes onto my player for a long journey i was making. Being a particularly dull journey, i wanted the laughs to keep me going. About a third of the way through the second episode, i switched it off. I wasn't laughing. The political point scoring by holier than thou comics and commentators just got too tedious to listen to. I had heard it all before, just in a different context.
TV could be said to be doing much the same. Mock the week being a particular culprit with the same comics, doing the same jokes, throwing the same bottles toward the same people. I find myself not laughing as much as i used to. The freshness has gone. The edgy, free thinking comics seem to have been replaced by the circuit comics who mostly try to outdo each other in the right on stakes.
So i find myself searching for something. The trouble was, i didn't know what i was searching for. iTunes provided me with radio shows dressed up as comedy shows. American podcasters are just a little too American for my tastes, although 'Sick and wrong' is a strong contender for a permanent place on my podcast list. Hint: It does what the title says. It does however, make me laugh.
In the last few weeks though, a comic has caught my eye. Not because he is new and fresh, but because he pushes out so much comic material that as a podcast listener, i was unable to avoid him.
You all (should) know Richard Herring. I caught one of his Warming Up podcasts a few days ago, and have since found myself downloading more and more of his comedy shows. The Edinburgh fringe podcasts, As it occurs to me, and the Leicester Square podcast are mostly a joy to listen to. His routines don't always hit the mark, but i have realised that in his search for better routines and comedy, he is taking bigger risks and different avenues in the hope of making me laugh. Mostly, he hits the mark.
Richard pops up on the TV and radio from time to time. Most people will associate him with Stuart Lee and assume that the Herring half of Lee and Herring has fallen by the wayside. Not a bit of it. It turns out that Richard has been working away furiously in the background producing some comedy gems in the form of podcasts and one man shows that are a delight to listen to.
This is one comedy podcast listener who is glad to have rediscovered him.
Is podcasting the future for comics? Probably not, as TV or radio is the pinnacle of making it in their line of business. But let it not be said that podcasts are a wasteland of unheard of comedy and comics. It could be that it is the very place for established comedians to try out something new. Try out a different avenue or satirical stance. To be fresh, to reinvigorate a routine and try it out online before taking it to the airwaves.
There is one podcast listener out here who is desperate to hear it.
Paul Martin tweets at @ukcameraman
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
The art of Dentistry.
"Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth" said Pam Ayres, in a thick West Country accent. Me too. Following a visit to my dentist last week, for which I had my pocket picked of a large sum of cash, I was told I may... may, need to return for more painful gobstetrics in the near future.
I want a second opinion, but fear that this will cost yet more cash, and result in a different surgical procedure, causing pain, blood flow, and a face that looks and feels like melting plasticine. Every time I visit the dentist for a check up I am told that something might need to be done. At great expense. My expense.
The phrase 'Root Canal' is enough to make a grown man cry, and my wallet weep. The high pitched whine of the tooth drill sends shivers down my spine and the painful needle in gum routine makes me want to punch someone. Preferably the dentist.
Why... Why does is take a needle in the gums to take the pain away..? A painful procedure to stop the pain. It's like losing a finger in a chainsaw accident and having the ambulance men tell you they are going to kick you in the head until unconscious, just to take the pain away.
Dentistry... The art of picking someone's pocket via their mouth and causing pain along the way.
Bastards.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
I want a second opinion, but fear that this will cost yet more cash, and result in a different surgical procedure, causing pain, blood flow, and a face that looks and feels like melting plasticine. Every time I visit the dentist for a check up I am told that something might need to be done. At great expense. My expense.
The phrase 'Root Canal' is enough to make a grown man cry, and my wallet weep. The high pitched whine of the tooth drill sends shivers down my spine and the painful needle in gum routine makes me want to punch someone. Preferably the dentist.
Why... Why does is take a needle in the gums to take the pain away..? A painful procedure to stop the pain. It's like losing a finger in a chainsaw accident and having the ambulance men tell you they are going to kick you in the head until unconscious, just to take the pain away.
Dentistry... The art of picking someone's pocket via their mouth and causing pain along the way.
Bastards.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Punditry Awry...
So... The Football season has started again here in the UK. 90 minutes of watching grown men kick an inflated pigs bladder around a grassy patch for a few hundred thousand pounds wages per week.
Over paid, with an over inflated ego and an over inflated sense of public adoration sums up your average Premiership football player. You are probably realising by now that I never really got the football bug.
I would watch my friends and colleagues transfixed to the screen, pint of beer in hand hanging on every kick, header, foul and goal. Every one a player, every one a manager, everyone a referee, the overwhelming desire to be on the pitch and show them how to do it properly.
"We was robbed.."
"The referee is a disgrace.."
"That guy should never be in that position... TACKLE..!"
"Get in you beauty..!"
I would sit there and feign a mild interest. Trying to think of something to say should I be asked a tactical question or deliver my verdict on a passage of play.
"Er.. Yeah... The fullback was maced when he got spatchcocked on the mullet with a blinder from the number 6. And.. Er... Oh yeah, the referee's a dick... And blind."
Phew, I think I got away with that. Football... Not my thing.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
Over paid, with an over inflated ego and an over inflated sense of public adoration sums up your average Premiership football player. You are probably realising by now that I never really got the football bug.
I would watch my friends and colleagues transfixed to the screen, pint of beer in hand hanging on every kick, header, foul and goal. Every one a player, every one a manager, everyone a referee, the overwhelming desire to be on the pitch and show them how to do it properly.
"We was robbed.."
"The referee is a disgrace.."
"That guy should never be in that position... TACKLE..!"
"Get in you beauty..!"
I would sit there and feign a mild interest. Trying to think of something to say should I be asked a tactical question or deliver my verdict on a passage of play.
"Er.. Yeah... The fullback was maced when he got spatchcocked on the mullet with a blinder from the number 6. And.. Er... Oh yeah, the referee's a dick... And blind."
Phew, I think I got away with that. Football... Not my thing.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.
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