Energy Drinks Disaster Awaits.

I've noticed a lot of things over the last few months, like young people who say 'like' a lot... What I mean is, like, I want to, like, tell you something, like. But that isn't what I want to talk to you about today... Like.

No... What it is, is people who drink large amounts of energy drink for no good reason. These people are generally hanging around street corners, guzzling energy drinks as if they have just stopped for a breather in a particularly long run. I don't think they need the energy for anything other than watching passing folk and cars.

I've noticed them in cafe's, shops, and even at their place of work, where they apparently need more and more energy in order to catch up on Facebook or get up to do the filing. This is not normal. For a start, energy drinks tend to taste like shit. Secondly, I believe they are dangerous to the general well being of society.

It's a wonder that they manage to do anything except palpitate and sweat their way through the working day. Do they need one first thing in the morning..?

"I've got a hard day at the office today dear... New delivery of paper clips. Pass me a can of CaffPow would you..? I'll pour it on my cornflakes. Would I like a lift to work..? No thanks dear, I'll bounce my way there."

Whatever happened to a coffee in the morning and a stiff Scotch at the end of the day to wind down..? I don't know about you, but my day is not complete without nodding off to the early evening soaps at the end of the day, which is why they are made in the first place, to get the populace to go to bed early and stop them causing trouble on the streets.

More and more people though are drinking these energy drinks. And this in turn can make them stay awake and alert until at least 10 o'clock in the evening... Maybe even 11. It's a recipe for disaster.

I tell you this, the upsurge in the energy drink market is a slippery slope to caffeine and sugar induced rioting in the streets. These energy drinks should be banned and replaced with warming cups of Ovaltine and a Radio 4 play to settle them down a bit. I hope the powers that be are reading this...

One day you will thank me.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

A Time Machine, Marty McFly And Trouser Insurance.

There is something that has bugged me now for many years. I hadn't thought about it for a long time until I caught a glimpse on the telly the other day of the hit 80's film, 'Back to the future.'

Now what's been bugging me all these years isn't the fact that they made a time machine from a Delorean, however implausible that it may be... No. What has been bugging me is what occurs when Marty travels back in time to the 50's and finds himself in his home town.

You see on arrival, he wanders down his street and is promptly knocked over by a car and is rendered unconscious. The next thing you know, he wakes up in his young mothers bed without his trousers on... Think about this a while...

This is not a logical response to finding a casualty in a traffic accident is it..? Just who was it that decided the medical response to an unconscious young lad with a head injury, is to abduct him from the street, remove his trousers... Just his trousers mind you... And put him in a young adolescent teen girls bed..? And for the love of humanity, why..?

Did they not have medical emergency response in 1950's small town America..? A first aider perhaps, who knows how to check an airway, stem blood flow or splint a broken bone. Apparently not...

What they do have is a maniac on the loose with a penchant for debagging young men without a care in the world for medical sensibilities and the well being of the patient.

I tell you this... Next time I'm travelling to the USA, I'm taking out some serious medical insurance with an anti abduction clause. Also, I shall be insuring against malicious trouser theft. You can't be too careful can you..?

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

The First Rule Of Bilderberg...

Yep, I'm going to link the all time greatest film 'fight Club' with the Bilderberg conference, which this year takes place in a hollowed out volcano somewhere in the Bahamas... Oh no, hang on... Watford.

By holding the conference in Watford, the world's elite hoped that their presence would be shielded by all the local news of binge drinking, hoodies and a world famous football club, but alas, the press found them out. Unfortunately, the first rule of Bilderberg is that you don't talk about Bilderberg, so details are somewhat sketchy.

However, my secret, inner resources at a nearby hostelry, tell me that the Bilderberg conference is in fact one big secret punch up between left and right wing leaning factions who ordinarily would not meet each other. Discussions take place of course, but the final settlements are reached by more physical means in the form of a bare fisted punch up in the bar following afternoon tea, and bouts of heavy drinking.

For those of you who may be a little skeptical, at the end of the conference, look closely at our Chancellor of the Exchequer when he returns to his duties at the House of Commons. He will have a face like a slapped arse. Then look at Ed Balls, his shadow. He will have a shit eating grin on his face for weeks knowing that he will be the next Chancellor in a few years time.

In other news, IMF Chief Christine Lagarde beat former Prime Minister Gordon Brown with a neat left hook and a kick to the groin in what was described as a grudge match.

Chairman of Shell Oil beat head of BP with a knockout blow resulting in a merger to create the worlds largest oil company.

Finally, President Obama, the official referee in such matters declared the Pakistan victory over the Taliban null and void, following heavy duty backhanders by MI6.

An Experiment In Destroying Cornwall...

I had a thought this afternoon. Dangerous I know, but bear with me for I believe that I can rip open a tear in the space / time continuum between Cornwall and the rest of the UK, along the route of the River Tamar. This should please the Cornish Independence Front, The Independent Front Of Cornwall and the League Of Cornish Independence no end.

Here's my plan. Next time i visit the South West, i shall collect one Cornish fisherman and one Cornish ploughman and place them in a room above a pub in Polperro. In a blind taste test, feed the ploughman a fishermans pie and the fisherman a ploughmans lunch.

Rumblings in the space / time continuum should appear after 10 or so minutes. To hurry things along, ask them to wash the food down with a Scrumpy shandy, 1 part Scrumpy to 2 parts lemonade.

The water in the River Tamar should at this point be boiling a blood red colour with sulphurous steam. Then the Coup-De-Grace for the Cornish fate should be applied.

Serve them a Cornish Pasty. Not your average meat and potato variety, but one filled with Italian Antipasti. A vortex should begin to appear somewhere over Polperro, resulting in a crack in the Earths surface along the River Tamar, breaking it away from the rest of the UK.

Job's a guddun. You're welcome Cornwall.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

A Small Matter Of Manners.

Being a comedy fan, i read, listen and watch a fair amount of offerings from different comedians, writers and artists from all over the comedy world. Sometimes, i even write articles and interact online with some of my favourite comedians and websites.

On the Chortle website, they invite articles for publication from all writers, professional or otherwise, to contribute to their 'correspondents' page about all things comedy. So i did. That was a while ago, and since then i have heard nothing from them. Not even an email back to say thanks, but no thanks, you are a shit writer. So i say to any publisher out there, if you invite writers and contributors to your website, the very least you can do is respond with a note, one way or another. I would have linked to the Chortle website, but seeing as they can't be arsed, neither can i.

This is the article i wrote:

TITLE: Finding the podcast edge.
 
Being a tech head, i find most of my comedy fixes on the internet. That's not to say that i don't watch the TV or listen to the radio, but as a comedy fan who travels a lot, spending most of my time at the wheel watching life speed past at 70 mph, i listen to podcasts, finding my funnies where i can.

Mostly, these are found on Radio 4. Friday night comedy, Comedy of the week, The news quiz et al. However, i usually find myself working or unable to listen at the correct times, so the podcast of these programmes are especially useful. As funny as they are, i find myself listening to the same people, trotting out the same satirical jokes, but to a different political storyline that happens to be running that week. To be honest, it's getting a tad dull.

Newsjack, the all too short running series, woke me up a little to new writing talent. One line specialists, thirty second sketches and the like written by new talent with a new (ish) take on current affairs, but even that freshness can sometimes fall into the mundane satire of throwing bottles from the back of the room toward whatever political entity happens to make the news that week.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long while, i was listening to the news quiz from Radio 4. i had stacked up two or three episodes onto my player for a long journey i was making. Being a particularly dull journey, i wanted the laughs to keep me going. About a third of the way through the second episode, i switched it off. I wasn't laughing. The political point scoring by holier than thou comics and commentators just got too tedious to listen to. I had heard it all before, just in a different context.

TV could be said to be doing much the same. Mock the week being a particular culprit with the same comics, doing the same jokes, throwing the same bottles toward the same people. I find myself not laughing as much as i used to. The freshness has gone. The edgy, free thinking comics seem to have been replaced by the circuit comics who mostly try to outdo each other in the right on stakes.

So i find myself searching for something. The trouble was, i didn't know what i was searching for. iTunes provided me with radio shows dressed up as comedy shows. American podcasters are just a little too American for my tastes, although 'Sick and wrong' is a strong contender for a permanent place on my podcast list. Hint: It does what the title says. It does however, make me laugh.

In the last few weeks though, a comic has caught my eye. Not because he is new and fresh, but because he pushes out so much comic material that as a podcast listener, i was unable to avoid him.

You all (should) know Richard Herring. I caught one of his Warming Up podcasts a few days ago, and have since found myself downloading more and more of his comedy shows. The Edinburgh fringe podcasts, As it occurs to me, and the Leicester Square podcast are mostly a joy to listen to. His routines don't always hit the mark, but i have realised that in his search for better routines and comedy, he is taking bigger risks and different avenues in the hope of making me laugh. Mostly, he hits the mark.

Richard pops up on the TV and radio from time to time. Most people will associate him with Stuart Lee and assume that the Herring half of Lee and Herring has fallen by the wayside. Not a bit of it. It turns out that Richard has been working away furiously in the background producing some comedy gems in the form of podcasts and one man shows that are a delight to listen to.

This is one comedy podcast listener who is glad to have rediscovered him.

Is podcasting the future for comics? Probably not, as TV or radio is the pinnacle of making it in their line of business. But let it not be said that podcasts are a wasteland of unheard of comedy and comics. It could be that it is the very place for established comedians to try out something new. Try out a different avenue or satirical stance. To be fresh, to reinvigorate a routine and try it out online before taking it to the airwaves.

There is one podcast listener out here who is desperate to hear it.

Paul Martin tweets at @ukcameraman