"Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth" said Pam Ayres, in a thick West Country accent. Me too. Following a visit to my dentist last week, for which I had my pocket picked of a large sum of cash, I was told I may... may, need to return for more painful gobstetrics in the near future.
I want a second opinion, but fear that this will cost yet more cash, and result in a different surgical procedure, causing pain, blood flow, and a face that looks and feels like melting plasticine. Every time I visit the dentist for a check up I am told that something might need to be done. At great expense. My expense.
The phrase 'Root Canal' is enough to make a grown man cry, and my wallet weep. The high pitched whine of the tooth drill sends shivers down my spine and the painful needle in gum routine makes me want to punch someone. Preferably the dentist.
Why... Why does is take a needle in the gums to take the pain away..? A painful procedure to stop the pain. It's like losing a finger in a chainsaw accident and having the ambulance men tell you they are going to kick you in the head until unconscious, just to take the pain away.
Dentistry... The art of picking someone's pocket via their mouth and causing pain along the way.
Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.